What’s Wrong with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai?

KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI, less commonly known as KUCH BHI HOTA HAI. is a 1998 love story about arranged marriages. #Indianmatchmaking The film opens with a zoom shot of Rahul (SRK) crying in front of the burning pyre of his wife, Tina (Rani Mukherjee). We soon learn that the highlight of Rahul and Tina’s relationship, the most memorable words that were ever said in their relationship were “mujhse dosti karoge?”(Will you be my friend?). (And just like that all my friends are potential friends with benefits). Then we get a quick recap of Tina and Rahul’s short-lived relationship: wedding—> awkward kiss on the neck—> baby—> Tina’s death due to complications from childbirth.Tina wanted her daughter to be able to answer questions about her mother on her own. So she leaves 8 letters as gifts for the first 8 birthdays of her daughter. Writing letters to a toddler seems pointless, but who am I to judge a toddler’s reading abilities? However, in the 8th and final letter, Tina digresses AF and talks about Rahul and Anjali instead. Tina’s obsession with Anjali is so intense that right before dying, Tina asks Rahul to name their daughter Anjali. Obviously you would think that Tina had a massive crush on Anjali, which seems legit because Anjali has this whole butch lesbian vibe going. But this is Bollywood and men can’t handle rejection here, so kahani mein twist. From Tina’s 8th letter we learn that there is a college named Xaviers, which has a grand total of 2 students—Rahul and Anjali. They are the kind of best friends who hate each other and try to kill each other every day. It’s totally legit, I have had quite of few of these best friends my self. We also learn that Rahul is a rude, irresponsible, immature, sexist, and an arrogant guy—all characteristics that any self-respecting heterosexual Indian woman would want in a husband.Anupam Kher’s Sanskari roots are clearly visible in this film, where, as the principal of the college, he is more interested in managing girls’ skirt and boys’ masculinity-appropriate hair lengths. Actual line by Kher: “I will complain to your parents that you wear short skirts to excite boys”. Ironically, Anupam Kher is easily distracted by Archana Puran’s Singh’s short skirt. The only thing that excites Kher more than Ms. Briganza’s skirt is the fact that his daughter, Tina, goes to “Oxford University in London”. No, this not the same Oxford University which is spread across the central part of Oxford City (#amaderkonosakhanei). This Oxford University is actually a branch of Trump university. So don’t be surprised when Kher says that Tina is leaving Oxford to finish the last year of her college at Xavier’s, increasing the student population to a grand total of 3 students.Tina arrives on campus wearing Sunrise Hyderabad cheerleader uniform and a bag more appropriate for mandir than college-going. As she jhataks and mataks, an army of boys follows Tina….nothing to see here, just a normal day in India. These extra actors were hired only for this eve-teasing scene.Meanwhile, Rahul is distributing friendship bands to all the girls in college, which should be absolutely normal except friendship band is a euphemism for sex in KKHH. Anjali, in a totally normal best friend manner, advises Rahul to find a girl who is both beautiful and intelligent rather than running behind all these “stupid girls”. No, this is not sexist at all. Everyone who goes to Xaviers is stupid; like all three of them.Tina and Rahul bump into each other and then this cringe-worthy exchange happens.Rahul: I love you.Tina: Sorry?Rahul: Don’t be, I love you.Tina: Excuse me!Rahul: Squeeze me.The next day, in an attempt to haze Tina, Rahul asks Tina to sing a Hindi song. This is one day after Tina has a totally articulate conversation with Rahul in Hindi. I don’t know why Tina didn’t choose “Jhumma Chumma na de” over “Om Jai Jagdish”. Anyway, Tina and Rahul become good friends on account of Rahul being such a gentleman. As they grow cozy, Kajol realizes that she is in love with Rahul. This confusion is entirely Rahul’s fault because when Archana Puran Singh asks all 3 college students, “What is love”? in Shakespeare 101, SRK replies “pyar dosti hai”, confusing generations of Indian men/boys who will never again have normal relationships with women/girls. Rahul humiliates the hell out of Anjali, who cries “mere pehla pyar adhura reh gaya” (join the club) and leaves college in the middle of the semester to never come back. Tina feels super guilty for coming between 2 friends but marries Rahul anyway. In an attempt to unburden her guilt, Tina tasks her 8-year-old daughter with uniting Anjali and Rahul approximately 9 years after they had left college. Tina knew that both Anjali and Rahul would be single 9 years later. Tina was betting that Rahul’s charming personality would work as a female repellant. But turns out Anjali is not single! She is reluctantly dating a 35ish Aman, who claims Anjali is his first love. #bitchplease

Kuch Bhi Hota Hai review Continued…After reading the letter, Anjali #2 starts crying uncontrollably, probably because she is shocked to find that Tina’s last letter to her mentions nothing about a mother’s love for her child, but keeps talking about Rahul and Anjali. Let me repeat this for clarity: Tina wrote a letter to her infant daughter asking her to find the original Anjali 10 years after they had briefly met in college. Also, this was before yahoo mail, Gmail, Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram were invented.At this point, Anjali #2 realizes that her mother named her Anjali only so her father wouldn’t forget about the original Anjali (image 1).

After reading the underwhelming letter replete with elaborate song and dance sequences, Anjali #2 decides to fulfill her mother’s last “dream” and “bring Anjali back into Rahul’s life” out of spite for Rahul, because, the actual reason Tina died was due to infection from the friendship band that Rahul gave her 10 years ago and Tina never took off; not even in the hospital (Image 2).

Anjali #2 goes to Rahul to ask about the original Anjali. Rahul replies, “Anjali was different. While all girls did makeup, Anjali played basketball. She used to wear manly clothes. Hahahahaha. Anjali was a silly girl. Dressing up, applying makeup, trying to look beautiful, she didn’t know anything. Is that enough or do you have more questions?”Anjali replies: Yes, papa, I have more questions. Whether or not she wore manly clothes or girly makeup says nothing about who she was. I would like to know why she lives in a palace? What she majored in? Did she transfer to another college after leaving Xaviers? Did that college also have only 2 students? Was Aman the other student? How come you became such a hotshot businessman (what is it that you even do, papa?) while all she managed to do in nearly a decade is to learn how to apply makeup and trash the old wig?Just kidding! This is a Karan Johar movie. None of that happened!As Rahul tells his mother and Anjali #2 how silly the original Anjali was for not knowing how to apply makeup, the original Anjali re-enters the narrative as this dolled-up, femme version of the original Anjali. While Anjali gets ready for her engagement party, Anjali #2 and Dadi board a train from Mumbai to Faridabad (a 24 hours journey), go to Anupam Kher’s house, do Tina’s barsee, visit Rifadbi (Anjali’s hostel matron from 10 years ago) at Xavier’s to find Anjali’s address, but Anjali’s engagement party has still not ended. Side note: Anjali’s mom confuses the grand engagement party in the palatial house with 1000 guests with Anjali’s wedding and accidentally ends up singing, “Mehndi laake gehne paakeHay roke tu sabko rulaakeSavere chali jaayegitu bada yaad aayegi”Back in Xavier’s hostel, Rifadbi refuses to share Anjali’s address, because, apparently, Anjali had made Rifadbi promise that she would never share her address with anyone. I cannot think of a single situation in my entire life where I have had to request my college staff not to share my address with anyone, but then I have never lived in palaces. Anjali #2, Dadi, and Nana couldn’t contact any of Anjali and Rahul’s mutual friends because there were only 3 students in that college and one of them had already died. Anyway. Anjali 2 starts praying to Alla. Due to Prophet Mohammad’s prompt and direct intervention, Babaji cannot explain why the original Anjali’s Mangal is suddenly freaky. Anjali’s wedding is postponed until December. Rifadbi is the first person to get a call from Anjali’s mother informing her of the postponement (#bffgoals). Sorry, but why Anjali, her mother, or Aman had no friends or family worthy of receiving the first call from Anjali’s mother isn’t explained in the film. And I am guessing that mom and Anjali’s BFF Rifadbi wasn’t invited to either the engagement or wedding because she had to look after the empty hostel after the only three students in that college had either left or graduated 10 years ago. RIbadbi is elated and convinced that Babaji gives Anjali #2 and Dadi just enough time to screw up Anjali’s wedding, so she shares Anjali’s address and phone number.The next morning Anjali 2 calls the original Anjali’s house. Anjali keeps saying hello into the phone even though it appears to be a blank call. Incidentally, this is also the scene where Anjali and Aman have the longest conversation in the film. Aman takes this very opportunity to tell Anjali that he loves her and that Anjali doesn’t love her back. Anjali divulges her summer camp details for Anjali 2 and Dadi to hear. Anjali #2 and Dadi both register for the summer camp online. Oh, sorry. No internet. Okay, I am not sure how they registered within a day of finding out, or how they found out the details of the exact summer camp they had to go to. Also, Dadi was allowed a seat at a kid’s summer camp because of #karanjohar#nepotism.Before leaving for the summer camp, both the Anjalis call their respective Khans (at the exact same time) at the front desk of the Indian Exporter conference they are both attending. Because there are only 1 billion people in India, so these kinds of coincidences are very common. Naturally, Aman and Rahul get assigned to the wrong telephone booths and end up talking to the wrong Anjali. Rahul and Aman are both incapable of telling the difference between an 8-year-old girl and a 30-year-old woman’s voice. When Rahul and Aman realize that they are talking to the wrong Anjali, Aman says to Rahul, “I bet my Anjali is prettier than your Anjali”. The joke is on you, Aman because none of them is your Anjali LOL. If you are wondering why both Aman and Rahul didn’t share their hotel phone numbers with their respective Anjalis (#dalmeinkala), then I bet your relationship is as toxic as Kabir Singh’s. The summer camp in Shimla has approximately 200 kids and one Dadi, and a grand total of 1 singing and dancing teacher (Anjali) and one manager (Almeida). Dadi converts the summer camp into an Ashram and forces the kids of all religions to sing Hindu hymns every morning. You can see the expressions of the only known non-Hindus in Image 3 and Image 4.

Rahul is the only loving father in all of India, so he shows up and starts living in the camp with all the kids. I don’t know about you, but I am kinda thankful that Dadi and Rahul show up because I was feeling very nervous about having only two adults in a summer camp housing 200+ kids. Long story short, Rahul and Anjali remember how much they hate each other (image 5),

but Anjali’s anchal flies away and Rahul realizes that he can marry Anjali #indianmatchmaking (images 6, 7).

He starts to pursue her. Aman shows up and cock blocks Rahul. Anjali, the only teacher at the summer camp leaves the camp and its 200 kids to get married to Aman. At Anjali’s palatial house they can find no place and have the Mehendi ceremony literally on the staircase (image 8),

which is very irresponsible given Salman Khan’s bhabhi died from a staircase accident just 4 years ago #humaapkehainkaun. Rahul shows up right before the wedding to cock block Aman. The story ends perfectly because now Rahul has “Anjali” both as wife and daughter.